aza did the cutest thing last night.

2 hours into bedtime when i was frustrated with her to no end, i said ” aza go to sleep”

and she said “no aza working”

keeping up with the gospel reading.

had a few more thoughts about why i have wanted to go back to this and what i’m looking for tonight.

in a sense i didn’t choose the bible or christianity.  i inherited them was born with them. in another i have chosen them over and over, and often forcfully in a number of different forms. i continue to choose them i guess, though now as a part of what i have inherited and who i have been. like ooking back at old pictures or reading an old journal. there are things that excite and comfort me, that embarrass me, that i deeply regret, and yet they are all a part of me and i choose to move forward whole with all of it. not uncritically, not saying that i’m not terribly happy that some of it is past, but also not pretending that it isn’t in me.

started to read the daily gospels again yesterday

i used to do it all the time, and i miss it, but don’t really know what i am looking for.

there was a time when i thought all the answers were there.

i found the evil bits more embarassing then because i felt like i had to defend them. now i just don’t know why i would subject myself to them. i’m not trying to redeem the bible anymore or prove the evil it has done is a “bad interpretation”

i remember reading with the fear of what would come next, because i believed that i had to accept it whatever it was. got good at mental gymnastics to make things ok, and compartmentalizing to keep some things out of consciousness until someone would ask do you really believe that? and i would feel sick to my stomach as i said yes